I woke up feeling sad.
Wishing I could control my dreams.
But I can’t.
No one can.
The thing is, I’m starting to wonder if I do–in a way, you know? Like my inner conscience or something…
I don’t always remember my dreams. Just sometimes I know that I did have a dream, but I can’t really remember the details. I don’t really dream a lot, but enough to know that there is often no rhyme or reason. The strange imagination of my sleeping brain can sure create havoc on my awake brain!
I wonder… as I am comforted in the fact that the face I see in my dream seems happy. Happily married, holding a child in his arms.
Until I wake up to the reality– and wish it were so.
He had been a very short-term boyfriend my senior year of high school, and the dream bothered me for more than one reason:
#!. I don’t like dreaming about any man other than my husband!
#2. The dream couldn’t be farther from the truth and not even remotely possible.
He never married, and two years ago he committed suicide.
I begin praying, asking God why I would have such a dream. Why, when I hadn’t thought of him for a very long time.
AND HOW? How did those thoughts get inside my head–my dream–and what was I supposed to do with it?
Taking these questions to the only one with answers, I asked God for wisdom and clarity.
Was it just a dream? Or was I supposed to do something?
I was saddened at the thought that he had never experienced what I saw in my dream–a consequence of his choices.
I was heartbroken over the fact that I could have possibly had a better influence on him in the short time that I knew him.
I don’t know if he knew Jesus. I never asked him.
I was saved as a child, but I was still very immature in my faith, and had not grown like I should have, so there were never any spiritual discussions. To be honest, I don’t remember having any discussions that really mattered–we were very different and broke it off after a short time.
It was there. The dream. The sadness of an opportunity missed.
So what now?
Obviously, I can’t go back–God knows my past–He knows my heart, and He forgives and heals when we bring it all to Him.
I know by now that you’re probably thinking I’m crazy. That there is no way that I could be responsible for another’s choice. As true as that might be, it also might be that God had other plans and I missed it. I can’t go back, but I can ask for forgiveness where it’s needed, and go forward with new conviction.
I am reminded to pray for wisdom. To have heavenly perspective.
I am reminded to pray for his family. Thanking God for His mercy and grace, I am given renewed compassion and a renewed focus on the things that really matter.
I am reminded to pray for others that I know that have endured the same pain.
I am reminded that EVERY.PERSON.MATTERS.
I am reminded to pray for my children and grandchildren, that they will know God’s love, learn from their mistakes, receive God’s forgiveness, and live their lives in a way that reflects His grace and glory.
I was young and immature, yes. But you can’t use that excuse forever. I fall short, mess up, neglect, regret. That’s why I need Him. That’s why you need him, friend.
“Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Through Him everyone who believes is set free from every sin, a justification you were not able to obtain under the law of Moses.”
He is our hope, our joy, or refuge. He restores us, rescues us, redeems us…
…even from our dreams.
“Let them see YOU in me…”