I woke up feeling sad.

Wishing I could control my dreams.

But I can’t.

No one can.

The thing is, I’m starting to wonder if I do–in a way, you know?  Like my inner conscience or something…

I don’t always remember my dreams.  Just sometimes I know that I did have a dream, but I can’t really remember the details.  I don’t really dream a lot, but enough to know that there is often no rhyme or reason.  The strange imagination of my sleeping brain can sure create havoc on my awake brain!

I wonder… as I am comforted in the fact that the face I see in my dream seems happy.  Happily married, holding a child in his arms.

Until I wake up to the reality– and wish it were so.

He had been a very short-term boyfriend my senior year of high school, and the dream bothered me for more than one reason:

#!.  I don’t like dreaming about any man other than my husband!

#2. The dream couldn’t be farther from the truth and not even remotely possible.

He never married, and two years ago he committed suicide.

I begin praying, asking God why I would have such a dream.  Why, when I hadn’t thought of him for a very long time.

WHY?

AND HOW?  How did those thoughts get inside my head–my dream–and what was I supposed to do with it?

Taking these questions to the only one with answers, I asked God for wisdom and clarity.

Was it just a dream?  Or was I supposed to do something?

I was saddened at the thought that he had never experienced what I saw in my dream–a consequence of his choices.

I was heartbroken over the fact that I could have possibly had a better influence on him in the short time that I knew him.

I don’t know if he knew Jesus.  I never asked him.

I was saved as a child, but I was still very immature in my faith, and had not grown like I should have, so there were never any spiritual discussions. To be honest, I don’t remember having any discussions that really mattered–we were very different and broke it off after a short time.

But still.

It was there.  The dream.  The sadness of an opportunity missed.

So what now?

Obviously, I can’t go back–God knows my past–He knows my heart, and He forgives and heals when we bring it all to Him.

I know by now that you’re probably thinking I’m crazy.  That there is no way that I could be responsible for another’s choice.  As true as that might be, it also might be that God had other plans and I missed it.  I can’t go back, but I can ask for forgiveness where it’s needed, and go forward with new conviction.

I am reminded to pray for wisdom.  To have heavenly perspective.

I am reminded to pray for his family.  Thanking God for His mercy and grace, I am given renewed compassion and a renewed focus on the things that really matter.

I am reminded to pray for others that I know that have endured the same pain.

I am reminded that EVERY.PERSON.MATTERS.

I am reminded to pray for my children and grandchildren, that they will know God’s love, learn from their mistakes, receive God’s forgiveness, and live their lives in a way that reflects His grace and glory.

I was young and immature, yes.  But you can’t use that excuse forever.  I fall short, mess up, neglect, regret.  That’s why I need Him.  That’s why you need him, friend.

“Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Through Him everyone who believes is set free from every sin, a justification you were not able to obtain under the law of Moses.”

Acts 13:38-39

He is our hope, our joy, or refuge.  He restores us, rescues us, redeems us…

…even from our dreams.

“Let them see YOU in me…”